Thank You

Thank you to the wonderful person who made my day and surprised me by sending me 2 dozen red roses today!!!!! That is my favorite flower and also my birthday flower. I wish that I could thank you personally, but I don't know who you are. :( I am glad that my blog has inspired you and others. Thank you so much!!!!!

The Ultimate Tribute

I love it when my brother, Taylor comes to Atlanta. My brother and I have always been extremely close. I get really excited a week before he arrives. Last month he came in town for the National High School Band Competition and National Drumline Competition. Last year, his high school band won the Drumline Competition. My brother is a high school band director at Warren County High School in Warrenton, NC.

My brother had not seen me since I lost my hair. I knew that he had been worried about me. I was happy that he could see for himself that I was doing well. Unfortunately, the day that he arrived in town, I found out that my white blood count was extremely low again, and that it would be unsafe for me to be around crowds. It crushed me to know that I would have to tell my brother that I wouldn't be able to attend his competitions.

I went to the band's hotel to see my brother and tell him the news in person. I could tell that he was really hurt. Later that evening, he called to tell me that his drumline had won the National Championship again!!!!! He followed by saying, "Kim, you have to come to our show tomorrow." I knew then that I had to take the risk and support my brother.

The next day, I met my brother at the hotel and ran errands with him. We made a stop to pick up pink balloons. I thought that that was really odd. When I dropped him off at the hotel, I assured him that I would be there in person to see his show.

Mr. Wonderful and I showed up at showtime, but they were running late. I texted my brother to let him know that I was there. When the band got on the field, the announcer started talking about breast cancer. I was shocked and turned to look at Mr. Wonderful. The emcee then said, "On June 2nd, breast cancer hit close to home. Our band director's sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. We are happy that she is here and would like her to stand." Still shocked, I stood up and waved at my brother. The emcee then said that the band was dedicating the show to me. That's when the ugly cry began! I lost it! I even saw Mr. Wonderful get a little misty. It's crazy, but I'm crying now while typing this blog.

It was the most beautiful band show!!!!! The flag girls performed with pink flags. At the end of the show, after performing "There Goes My Baby," the band released 60 pink balloons. You could hear the crowd say, "Aww!" in unison. Everyone kept telling me, "Your brother really loves you." My brother's little band ended up winning 3rd place in the National Band Competition!!!!! They competed against bands that were 3 times their size. I'm so proud of them. Anyone who saw that show could see the heart put into that show.

I later found out that my brother had been doing that show all season, but only recently was able to tell people why and include my name and story. I asked my brother's friend how the show idea came about. He said that my brother had not been handling my diagnosis well and doesn't like the fact that he can't be with me in Atlanta. My brother never discusses his feelings with me. I know that it is hard for him to see me go through cancer a second time. His friend said that dedicating the band season to me was my brother's way of being with me.

That...is the ultimate tribute!!!!!

Too Busy Livin'

I haven't updated my blog in awhile because I have been too busy living. However, now my WBC is severely low (.8), and I am quarantined at home. I have plenty of time to write now. LOL

I have had some highs and lows since my surgery. First the lows... I tested positive for the BRCA 2 gene which means that I will have to have additional surgeries. I now know that I am at risk for developing breast cancer again and ovarian cancer. It's a no-brainer to get my other breast and ovaries removed. My life is more important! Besides, I actually like my fake breast better than my real breast now. Also, I had my eggs frozen; therefore, I no longer need my ovaries.

Another low... My dear friend, Wayne Jackson was murdered in September. Wayne lived life to the fullest. He was the funniest person that I knew. I always knew that I would have a good time when I worked with him. He was concerned about me when I was diagnosed. He helped me get through a horrible relationship with his sense of humor. He used to say, "You need to live your life to the fullest because you never know what tomorrow will bring." He actually included a curse word, but I won't put it here. :) Wayne's funeral was entertaining, just like he would have wanted. The minister mentioned that he took shots of Jose Cuervo in Wayne's honor. Rest in peace, my friend.

Yet, another low... I lost my group health insurance coverage. This is a headache that I didn't expect. With my pre-existing condition, my new premium will be $1200 a month. Who the heck can afford to pay that long term?! I guess that I should be happy that I wasn't denied coverage, but I am now looking for a new job. I can't wait until Obama's bill goes into effect.

Another low... My hair did fall out. I was told that there was a possibilty that I would keep my hair because I wasn't on a drug called Adriamycin. I prayed, tried to make deals with God, and prayed some more, but I lost all of my hair. The day that I realized that I was losing my hair, I had a mental breakdown. I vowed that I would stay in my house until my hair grew back. I told Mr. Wonderful that I never wanted him to see me again. I cried all day long. Like I said before, this was the worst part of chemo. I can deal with the gas and black fingernails, but the hair... My cousin, Millicent and aunt, Marcie had dinner with me that night and tried to convince me that I was acting crazy. Mr. Wonderful asked why I was acting crazy when I knew that this was a possibiltiy and offered to go to a labyrinth with me to pray and meditate. I didn't want to hear anything anyone had to say. A couple of days later, when Mr. Wonderful saw me in my wig, he told me that he liked that look on me. What a relief! Later that day, he told me, "I will walk through the fire with you, but if you stop, we both aren't going to get burned." Mercy, he's good. It also helped tremendously that my cousin/sister, Kelly came to visit me that weekend. I tried to hold on to the last strand of hair, but I knew that I had to let it go when it started coming out from the roots. I called my study partner, Maurice to shave my head. Maurice was really sweet about it and called it an honor to be the one to shave my head. Surprisingly, I didn't cry. Afterwards, Maurice and I watched the movie "Good Hair." Ironic, huh? The movie actually helped me see the insignificance of hair.

Now, the highs... I have been having a ball hanging out with Mr. Wonderful. It is so cool to be around someone who makes me laugh all of the time. This should be one of the saddest periods of my life, but I am actually happier than I have been in a long time. Mr. Wonderful is a big reason for that. You have to admire any man who dates a chick with breast cancer, a bald head, and a fake breast.

Another high... I have had a chance to spend more time with family. My relatives have been visiting me non-stop. My mother and Aunt Connie are pros at flying to Atlanta now. It is so nice to have so much love. I have heard from relatives that I hadn't heard from in years. There are so many people praying for me. I know that I will be okay.

Yet another high... I fulfilled a bucket list item. My aunt, Marcie invited me and Mr. Wonderful to accompany her to New York to the BET Black Girls Rock Awards Show. Marcie was honored during the show for being the 1st Black female Air Force General. We were up front and center and given the VIP treatment all weekend, all expenses paid. It was so nice to be treated like a celebrity! By the way, the show airs on BET on November 7th.

Another high... I attended Dr. Martin Luther King's sister's (Christine Farris') renewal of vows and reception. She has been married 50 years and wore her original dress. The ceremony was one of the most beautiful that I have attended.

Another high... I have handled chemotherapy well. I have actually gained weight! I now weigh 105 pounds. Yeah! I have no nausea and have kept my appetite. I have had support during and after my chemotherapy sessions. My mother, Aunt Connie, and cousin, Millicent have been nurses for me before, during, and after my sessions. A sweet moment happened after my first chemotherapy session. Mr. Wonderful came over my house and held me and my hand all night. Awww!

Another high... My fertility specialist was able to preserve my eggs at age 40 even after having chemotherapy as a child. It's a miracle! Now, I don't have to worry about finding a husband. :)

Basically, most of my days are highs now. I feel well and think that I look better than I have in years. Thank God that chemotherapy has changed since I had it the first time, 29 years ago. The first time I was bedridden. Now, I am thriving. I am thankful for each day that I have and the people that I spend my days with.

Another Surgery Down, 7 More To Go

I met with my oncologist last week. I will have 6 cycles of chemo every 3 weeks, 30 days of radiation, and 5 years of hormone therapy. When the nurse went over all of the side effects with my mom and me, she started to sound like Charlie Brown's teacher. Blah! Blah! Blah! She should have just said that I may get any side effect imaginable. Lord, help me!

I had surgery to place my chemo port in on Thursday. I really hated to go to the hospital that day. If my Uncle Clarence hadn't been with me, I probably would have been hysterical. The surgery made things seems so final, knowing that chemotherapy is approaching. When we got to the hospital, the staff wanted to know if 50 people were with me this time as they have been before. :) It's nice to see that other people noticed my family's support.

On my way to work, I got hit on by a 29 yr old law student. Even with the mastectomy, I still got it! That was great for my ego. :) I am a Cougar, but that's pushing it a bit.

This was my first day back since having the mastectomy four weeks ago. Everyone was surprised and amazed to see me back to work so soon, especially since I just had another surgery on Thursday. People wanted to hug me, but I had to let them know that they couldn't because it would be too painful with the tissue expander on one side and the chemo port on the other. I could tell that people were checking out my breast and were bewildered. With the bra that I found, nobody can tell the difference with my breast. I made it through the night with little pain. Most of my pain comes from the chemo port. Everyone made sure that I didn't do any heavy lifting. I really work with a sweet group of people.

I am finally by myself and taking time to digest all of this... Maybe I am just vain, but the worst part of this for me is that I am going to lose my hair again. If I could keep my hair, I wouldn't look so sickly. They don't even have wigs with my hair texture. When I asked about it, I was told that "most African-American women want something that they can't ever have when it comes to wigs, straight hair." I was kind of offended when I heard that statement. However, it is true that plenty of African-American women buy Asian hair. Chris Rock made a documentary about that reality. Well, anyway, that's not me. I want my hair texture! I love my hair!

I am a little bummed out because Mr. Wonderful is out of the country for a few weeks on business for his company. Skype contact is cool, but seeing someone in person is better. I really wanted to travel with him, but I knew that I couldn't risk getting a blood clot on a 14 hour flight after having so many surgeries not long ago. My timing is all off. Next year will be my year!

99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall...

It's Day 6 post-surgery. I am sooooooo bored. I really have cabin fever now. I want to go out and play. When I mentioned that to my mother, she threatened me. Hey, I am 40 years old. She can't tell me what to do.:) I am actually at the point where I am looking forward to going out to see doctors on Thursday. Once I am free of the drains on Thursday, I will have a little more mobility. I can't risk getting an infection until then. I walk from the bed to the bathroom to the kitchen to the bed to the bathroom to the kitchen.... There is a whole world happening in Atlanta in the summer, and I am not experiencing it now. Geez! Now, there are 98 bottles of beer on the wall...

I Will Survive

My surgery was on Monday, but I am doing amazingly well. The only pain that I having is from the two drains that are coming out of my chest wall amd a little discomfort from the tissue expander that is stretching the skin to make room for my implant. Ouch! I'm not a fan of pain medications so I am grinning and bearing it. I have the most wonderful family and friends. Over 20 people were at the hospital for me when I had my surgery, including my boss/mentor and 87 year old great-aunt. I know that my grandmother was smiling down from Heaven. Even my doctors were touched by the support. I hate that my family and friends have to go through cancer with me again. Both of my parents slept in the hospital room with me that night. I guess that they were afraid to leave my side.

Unfortunately, all did not go well during the surgery. The cancer has spread to my lymph node. I found out that information in the recovery room. That means that I will definitely have to get chemotherapy again. Shoot! I finally got my hair to the length and color that I want. Oh well! This too shall pass. I picked out a cute lace-front wig that matches my hair texture and length a couple of weeks ago. Who knew that a synthetic wig could cost $700!

I have the greatest plastic surgeon, Dr. Albert Losken, and surgeon, Dr. Rogsbert Phillips. Dr. Losken's resident asked me what I thought about the way my breast looked. I told her that I wasn't ready to look at my breast yet. She then said, "Trust me; look at it." My breast looks awesome for what is has been through. It is half the original size, but I still have cleavage. The expanders hurt, but they will help me get to my D cup. My mother says that if I get Ds, she is going to pop them. :) She thinks that I will look like Dolly Parton. I weigh 100 pounds when I am soaking wet. It saddens me to know that all of this modern technology wasn't available for my aunts when they went through this years ago. My mom and aunt have been showing my cleavage off all this week to anyone who is curious.

Mr. Wonderful has been there every step of the way. He is ultra-private, but he gave me permission to discuss him on my blog. I had been avoiding him because I didn't want him to see me in pain and not looking up to par, but he insisted on seeing me. He has spent time with me and my family. I reminded him of my upcoming chemo, hair loss, and vomiting, but he still says that it will not change anything. He even admonished me in front of my family and told me to stop pushing him away. Sexy, huh? I am so glad that there are still some mature men in the world who are not superficial.

Congrats to my cousins, Stacey and Natalie, on the birth of my new cousin, Stacey. It's so great to have some good news in the family for once. Ok, nap time! Love to all!

I Surrender All

I rarely cry these days, but whenever Jennifer Holliday and the choir sing "I Surrender All" at church, my tears flow. I feel as if I am trying to be a Superhero, and that song is my theme song. I am a living testimony that sometimes we can't control what goes on in our lives; yet, we have to look to God and surrender all to Him to get through difficult times. I actually sang that song before the nurses rolled me into the OR both times so far, and I will be singing it tomorrow. I only wish that I could sing it like Jennifer Holliday.

Even though I am about to lose my breast tissue and undergo a lot of pain with the tissue expanders, I am amazingly calm and at peace. It meant a lot to me to have my family worship with me at church today. I had so many wonderful people come up to me and say that they were praying for me. After church service, my pastor, The Rev. Dr. Raphael Warnock, formed a prayer circle around me with my family and a couple of church members. That meant so much to me and my family.

My home pastor, Dr. Theodore Brown, texted me and told me that he would be lifting me up in prayer in service today. My new Mr. Wonderful gave me his personal prayer beads because he felt that I might need them more than he does now. I have gotten calls and text messages all day stating that I am on prayer lists all over the US. So many of my male friends who know that I can be a bit vain have called to reassure me that my beauty is not measured by my breasts and that their opinion of me will not change. Today, I was able to fulfill one of the my lifelong dreams of going to a professional baseball game with my father. My father and I used to watch baseball games on TV together when I was a child.

I am not a religious person, but I do consider myself a spiritual person. Some people have said that God is testing me now. That really bothers me because I don't believe that the God that I know and love would afflict me with cancer. However, I do believe that He is with me through this storm. So many people have told me that they are amazed by my strength and positive attitude. I am the way that I am truly because I surrender all to God.

Thanks To Lance Armstrong, I Am Having A Baby

As soon as my doctor told me that I would have to undergo chemotherapy, my first thought was that I needed to preserve my eggs. I am 40 years old, single, and without kids. As soon as I was able, I went on the Fertile Hope website. Fertile Hope is a program funded by Lance Armstrong and his ex-wife to help individuals who are about to undergo chemotherapy with fertility issues. Chemo can make one infertile. I did my research and found a wonderful doctor, Dr. Robert Straub, in the Atlanta area who will be responsible for my egg harvesting and storage. Thanks to Lance Armstrong, most of the costs will be paid by his foundation. Egg harvesting can cost more than $10,000. When Dr. Straub asked if I had a sperm donor, I told him that I have been looking for a sperm donor for 40 years with no success. When I saw him crack a smile, I knew that he was the man for the job. I wish that all doctors were as empathetic and brilliant as he is. I am not sure if I will become infertile after chemo, but now, I have a back-up method of having biological children. So thanks, Lance Armstrong for making it possible for me to have a baby.

What Cancer Cannot Do

Here's something that my Aunt Glo shared with me today:

Cancer has affected all of our lives, but the following poem says it all.
What Cancer Cannot Do
Author Unknown
Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the spirit.

The Power Of Saying, "Hi, How Ya Doing?"

Growing up as a preacher's grandchild, you become accustomed to speaking to people that you don't know. I've done that my whole life. I feel that everyone has a story. Some of my friends don't understand why I do what I do, but hey, that's me. Recently, after my biopsy, I went to the grocery store. The lady who bagged my groceries looked at me and said, "Are you okay? You haven't been here in awhile." Wow! I didn't even know that she ever noticed me. She seemed truly concerned when I told her that I had some health issues. When I went to another grocery store, the pharmacist asked me the same question. When I told him what was going on, he gave me a hug and said that he would say a prayer for me. Wow! Since then, many people have come up to me and said the same thing. The point is...you never know who may remember you and how much it may mean to someone for you to just speak to them and ask them how they are doing. I'm getting such incredible love and support from people that I know and people that I don't know. I've even heard from some ex-boyfriends who were jerks, and they have offered anything that they can do to help. I guess that even some of them have hearts after all. :)

To Perm or Not To Perm, That is the Question

I can't get a comb through my hair. Half of my hair is curly, and the other half is straight. I really need a perm, but I am thinking, "What's the point in spending the money on a perm when my hair will probably fall out in a few weeks anyway from the chemotherapy?" I keep changing my hair appointment because I can't make a decision on a perm. I guess that I need to go wig shopping soon. I didn't wear a wig during my first cancer battle. My mother reminded me that I threw the wig at her and told her, "If you like it, you wear it." Yep, I was angry then. I guess that I will wear a wig this time. It seems as if nobody in Atlanta has real hair anyway. I will just fit right in. :)

The Death Walk

I have been strong so far, but now, I see a chemotherapy infusion room in an oncologist's office. I don't want to have to be in there again. This time, my grandmother is no longer alive and can't hold my hand every day as she did the first time that I had chemotherapy. Later in the day, I am in another oncologist's office. A patient representative introduces herself as if we will be seeing a lot of each other. All of a sudden, my eyes water up. I can't believe that I am going through this again. The nurse calls my name. As she guides me down a long hallway to the patient room, I feel as if I am making the death walk to an electric chair. Instead, my chair will be the chemo infusion chair. My PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is kicking in. The geneticist and my cousin see that I am not handling this well. I need to pretend that I am okay. Remember Kim, you don't cry.

I Have No Good News

"I have no good news. It's cancer." After hearing those words from my surgeon, everything became a blur. I can't believe that I have cancer, again! I had just had a breast biopsy two years ago. I've been getting yearly mammograms. I missed my appointment with the surgeon last year, but my breasts were examined by my gynecologist. I do self-exams. How? Why? I thought that God wouldn't put more burdens on me than I could bear. I'm a good person! Oh wait, now I am hearing words like "chemotherapy" and "mastectomy." I see my mother crying while my aunt is consoling her. I hear my mom say, "Kim has already been through so much." I said to myself, "Not cancer, again! I can't believe this ****!"